An Attorney Said What?

by RandomlyFunny on October 3, 2013

HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court,… Word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

 

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

_________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death..

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral…

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

And last:

 

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No..

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

I rest my case……….

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Farm kids in Wisconsin??

by RandomlyFunny on January 27, 2013

You can never underestimate the innovativeness of American Farm Boys:
At a high school in Wisconsin, a group of male students played a prank.
They let three goats loose inside the school. But before turning them loose, they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2 and 4.
School Administrators spent most of the day looking for No. 3.
Now that’s funny, I don’t care who you are…
And you thought there was nothing to do in Wisconsin!

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New York City Long Term Parking Solution for a Ferrari

by RandomlyFunny on September 1, 2012

His name was Bubba, he was from Tennessee  … and he needed a loan, so …. he walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer.  He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an International Redneck Festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Ferrari 430

Photo by License Attribution Share Alike Some rights reserved by Alexandre Prévot

Later, the bank’s president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the South for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.  An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank’s private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.  While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from University of Tennessee, a highly sophisticated investor and multi-millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

The good ‘ole boy replied, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?”

Keep an eye on those southern boys . . . Just because we talk funny does not mean we’re stupid!

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Laugh at the 18 Unwritten Laws of Life

by RandomlyFunny on July 18, 2011

The 18 unwritten laws of life in 1 easy to read document. Where else can you find so much for so little and have a laugh? Read on. Laugh.

1. Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch & you’ll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, or screw, when dropped will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability – The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal & someone always answers.

5. Doctors’ Law – If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor,and by the time you get there you’ll feel better. But don’t make an appointment, and you’ll stay sick. 6. Variation Law – If you change waiting lines or traffic lanes, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters – The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena – At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet, & who leave early. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies & stay to the bitter end of the performance.Aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy’s Law of Lockers – If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces – The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness & cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument – Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

16. Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance – If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.

17. Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking – A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18.   Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy – As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.


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Sixty Six Dinner Conversation Topics

by RandomlyFunny on June 5, 2011

Sixty six anecdotes to choose from before you go out to dinner with someone who usually has nothing to talk about.
  1. If you are right handed,  you will tend to chew your food on the right side of your mouth. If you  are left handed, you will tend to chew your food on the left side of  your mouth.
  2. To make half a kilo of  honey, bees must collect nectar from over 2 million individual  flowers
  3. Heroin is the brand name  of morphine once marketed by ‘Bayer’.
  4. Communications giant  Nokia was founded in 1865 as a wood-pulp mill by Fredrik  Idestam.
  5. Tourists visiting  Iceland should know that tipping at a restaurant is considered an  insult!
  6. People in nudist  colonies play volleyball more than any other  sport.
  7. Albert Einstein was  offered the presidency of Israel in 1952, but he  declined.
  8. Astronauts can’t belch –  there is no gravity to separate liquid from gas in their  stomachs.
  9. Ancient Roman, Chinese  and German societies often used urine as  mouthwash.
  10. The average person who  stops smoking requires one hour less sleep a  night.
  11. The Mona Lisa has no  eyebrows. In the Renaissance era, it was fashion to shave them  off!
  12. Because of the speed at  which Earth moves around the Sun, it is impossible for a solar eclipse  to last more than 7 minutes and 58 seconds.
  13. The night of January 20  is “Saint Agnes’s Eve”, which is regarded as a time when a young woman  dreams of her future husband.
  14. There are over 25  million bubbles waiting to burst out of each bottle of  Champagne
  15. Google is actually the  common name for a number with a million zeros
  16. It takes glass one  million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be  recycled an infinite amount of times!
  17. The heat of peppers is  rated on the Scoville scale
  18. Gold is the only metal  that doesn’t rust, even if it’s buried in the ground for thousands of  years
  19. Your tongue is the only  muscle in your body that is attached at only one  end
  20. If you stop getting  thirsty, you need to drink more water. When a human body is dehydrated,  its thirst
  21. mechanism shuts  off.
  22. Each year 2,000,000  smokers either quit smoking or die of tobacco-related  diseases.
  23. When it originally  appeared in 1886 – Coca Cola was billed as an Esteemed Brain Tonic and  Intellectual Beverage.
  24. Zero is the only number  that cannot be represented by Roman numerals
  25. Kites were used in the  American Civil War to deliver letters and  newspapers.
  26. The song, Auld Lang  Syne, is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking  country in the world to bring in the new year.
  27. For every real Christmas  tree harvested, two to three seedlings are planted in its  place.
  28. Drinking water after  eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61  percent
  29. Peanut oil is used for  cooking in submarines because it doesn’t smoke unless it’s heated above  450°F
  30. The Shell Oil Company  originally began as a novelty shop in London that sold  seashells
  31. The roar that we hear  when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather  the sound of blood surging through the veins in the  ear.
  32. Nine out of every 10  living things live in the ocean
  33. The banana cannot  reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of  man
  34. Airports at higher  altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air  density
  35. Fish and Chip selling  officially remained an offensive trade until 1940 due to the smell it  produces
  36. The University of Alaska   spans four time zones
  37. The tooth is the only  part of the human body that cannot heal itself.
  38. In ancient Greece ,  tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage.  Catching it meant she accepted.
  39. Do you know the names of  the three wise monkeys? They are: Mizaru(See no evil), Mikazaru(Hear no  evil)
  40. and Mazaru(Speak no  evil).
  41. Warner Communications  paid $28 million for the copyright to the song Happy  Birthday.
  42. Intelligent people have  more zinc and copper in their hair.
  43. A comet’s tail always  points away from the sun
  44. The Swine Flu vaccine in  1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to  prevent
  45. Caffeine increases the  power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it is found in some  medicines.
  46. The military salute is a  motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised  their visors to reveal their identity.
  47. If you get into the  bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even  in the middle of the day.
  48. When a person dies,  hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is  sight
  49. Trivia in Roman  mythology was the goddess who haunted crossroads, graveyards and was the  goddess of
  50. sorcery and witchcraft.  She wandered about at night, and was seen only by the barking of dogs  who told of her approach.
  51. In ancient times  strangers shook hands to show that they were  unarmed
  52. Strawberries are the  only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside
  53. Avocados have the  highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred  grams
  54. It cost the soft drink  industry $100 million a year for thefts committed involving vending  machines
  55. The moon moves about two  inches away from the Earth each year
  56. The Earth gets 100 tons  heavier every day due to falling space dust
  57. Due to earth’s gravity  it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000  meters
  58. Men’s shirts have the  buttons on the right, but women’s shirts have the buttons on the  left
  59. Mickey Mouse is known as  “Topolino” in Italy
  60. Soldiers do not march in  step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration  which could be sufficient to knock the bridge  down
  61. The painting that won  second place in a competition held by the US National Academy of Design  was hanging upside down when it was judged
  62. Everything weighs one  percent less at the equator
  63. For every extra kilogram  carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at  lift-off
  64. The letter  J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.
  65. And last but  not least:
  66. In 2011,  July has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays, and 5 Sundays. This apparently happens once every 823 years!

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New Book for Men to Understand Women

by RandomlyFunny on May 24, 2011

Finally, here is a book to help men understand women better.

Let me know if you need a copy!

 

The book of understanding women

 

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